Catching Manna

“Wherever you are, be all there.”

2011-12-06T20:15:00.000-08:00

Jim Eliot said that.
"Wherever you are, be all there."

I'm here.
Back in Indiana. Hiding away in my basement cave, trying to focus and get through the next week of projects, papers and journals. It's hard to be all here.

My heart is in so many places right now. It's in the living room with my family. It's in Chicago with my Grandma. It's in Winona Lake with Zach and the rest of the tribe.

It's in Mongolia with my friends, co-workers, and students.

"Wherever you are, be all there."

I'm struggling with this. I've been going at a pace so fast that I do not really know where I am right now. I just want to sit. I want to ponder, to recollect, to inspect the treasures stored away in my heart.

I want to light a fire and watch it burn. (This might be difficult, since I don't have a fireplace.) I want to sit with coco in hand and trade stories--stories of adventure, growth and change.

I'm not sure if this post is an invitation or an apology, but I'm going to make it into an invitation.

When I see you next--when I emerge from my academic hermit cave--let's talk. Because, that is where I want to be--in fellowship with you.

Community: come in and stay for tea.

2011-11-06T01:54:00.001-07:00

Our schedule forced us out of the church doors before the tea was even poured today.
Leaving before tea felt like the equivalent of eating and running.

"Hi, family. Thanks for the food, gotta run, love ya, bye."

It felt so wrong--and I think that means I'm learning.

Learning that being the Church is less about theory and sermons and more about the everyday moments, the common interactions, the breaking of bread, the sharing of tea--so to speak.

So, let's come.

Come to the table, and linger long. Stay until the last drop of tea is finished.

"We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us." 1 Thessalonians 2:8

(beauty)

2011-11-04T02:40:00.000-07:00

Some days, I get lost in the smog, in the chaos, in the tension.
Help me to remember the beauty.

"Greater things are yet to come; greater things are still to be done in this city."

Shoes of Peace

2011-10-30T04:09:00.000-07:00

"and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace."

As I walked through some anxiety this past week, I clung to the prayer of Charles, one of my missionary dads--"Help Caitlin to walk in the gospel of peace."

There are so many things that I cannot control. I'm learning to live with caution in a way that I have not needed to while living in the utopia which is Winona Lake. But I am also learning to walk in peace--to recognize that I have peace, because I am in Christ.

Each step that I take, I take in the peace of knowing that I'm following Christ--in my dusty, dirty, shoes of peace.

Welcome to the family...(Mongolia week 9)

2011-10-25T23:41:00.000-07:00

I knew going into this that my inability to speak Mongolian would make life a bit more challenging. However, until I lived here for a while, I had no idea how isolating and at times intimidating a lack of language knowledge could feel.

Riding the bus, purchasing groceries, everyday interactions, classroom management--all become more confusing due to my small knowledge of Mongolian.

The one place where I feel at home, despite my lack of Mongolian, is the church. While in other places I feel like a foreign target, in church I feel like I'm just the blonde member of a dark haired family. The odd one out for sure, but still a part of the family.

When I meet with my church family, I feel at ease. The tension that I carry around with me disappears.

Welcome to the family, Caitlin. Worship, learn, fellowship with us. Sit down, drink tea, share life with us.

Welcome home.

This is what it means to be the body of Christ--the family of God.

Love breaks through the language barrier.

Shout out for Grandma

2011-10-24T07:37:00.000-07:00

This post is mainly for my AWESOME Grandma, who has sent me a card and coffee money every semester since the beginning of college. This semester was no exception!

I am so thankful for her--for her courage, faithfulness and love.
I hope I'm just like her when I grow up. :)

“One can always spot a foreigner by the dirt on their shoes.”

2011-10-11T22:38:00.000-07:00

I try. I try so hard to keep clean. To brush off every speck of dusty, fine, Ulaanbaatar dirt.

It’s a losing battle. By the time I reach my destination, all my efforts are for naught.

No good Mongolian would be caught dead in these shoes.

But, try as hard as I might, I will never be a good Mongolian.

I will always struggle to keep these shoes clean.

I will misread the bus signs, and end up on the edge of town

Hopelessly lost.

I will always be the odd one on the bus.

Which one of these is not like the other? The foreigner, who, unable to maintain balance just crashed into you as the bus made a sudden stop.

I will wait hesitantly to cross the street—hoping for someone more aggressive than I to lead the way.

I will often forget that coffee-to-go is a Western concept, and I will forget to sit down and enjoy rest from the busyness of life.

I will make laughable efforts at pronouncing your name correctly, but I won't give up trying to learn your name.

And, I will pray that you’ll forgive my mistakes...all of them.

Hello, October. (I've been here for a month now?!)

2011-10-01T19:16:00.000-07:00

This week nothing really went as planned. And as much as I would like to say that flexibility and adaptability are my top strengths, to be honest, I really struggled this week. I’m glad it’s over.

But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ, and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him…

Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life…

Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.

(2 Corinthians 2 and 3)

These truths are becoming more real to me each day, as I prepare my lessons, as I open the door and begin a class, as I lie in bed wondering if I have what it takes for the next day of classes.

I'm clinging to these truths...and these smiles

For those of you who were praying for my classes on Friday, thank you! We actually were not able to continue the conversation from earlier in the week, because all of the students just finished English placement tests and have been placed in different groups based on language skills.

So I’m starting fresh this month--starting fresh with new groups, new materials, and hopefully a new confidence.

Here we go, OCTOBER! :)

This wasn't in the manual...(Scenes from 11th Grade)

2011-09-25T22:04:00.000-07:00

We finished talking about love today, and moved onto beliefs.

Teacher, let's talk about belief!

Ok. What do you believe in, class?

I believe in family.
I believe that everyone is here for a reason.
I believe in the Shaman.
I believe in my friends.
I believe in Jesus.
I believe in trust.
I believe in Chingis Khan.
I believe in Allah.
I believe in Satan.

And then the bell rings.

I don't really know what else to say. Class ended; they are writing short essays on what they believe. I'm excited and terrified. Once again, the potential here is so great, but I feel so inadequate. Pray for us. We continue our discussion on Friday.

(Mongolia week 4)

2011-09-24T01:04:00.000-07:00

"The harvest here is indeed great, and the labourers are few, and imperfectly fitted without much grace for such a work. And yet grace can make the few and feeble instruments the means of accomplishing great things--things greater than we can even conceive."
--Hudson Taylor, A Retrospect

Why write a blog post, when Hudson Taylor already said everything you want to say? Imperfectly fitted and feeble--this is how I have felt a lot while adjusting to this new role as a teacher. But, "grace can make the few and feeble instruments the means of accomplishing great things..." and it's a beautiful thing to watch and experience.

Every day at Oyunii Tuv is an adventure. If I told you everything, this would be a book rather than a blog post. (Ok, Connor if you are reading this, I promise...I will start working on that book...) One of the highlights of this week was guiding the 11th grade class through a discussion on love. One of my students, Jackson (he calls himself Jackson because of Michael Jackson) asked me if "Love is everything," which then started a great debate with his classmates. From what we have discussed in class, I believe the question can be better understood when rephrased, "Can you live without love?" One side believes that love is everything, because it is a part of all we do. The other side (my little pragmatics) feels that love can't be everything, because it can't give you material things, or status.

We have now spent 1 and a half class periods examining this question, and will finish the conversation on Monday. I loved watching the pragmatics and saps have at it...and it's pretty amazing to me that we are having such a deep, theoretical discussion in a language that is not their own (Especially since we had such a rocky beginning).

I'm excited that I get watch them grow, and feel blessed to be their teacher--the hard days are worth it.

Thank you for praying, and please continue!

“Teacher, what do you love about Mongolia?” (Week 3)

2011-09-16T06:15:00.000-07:00

He probably didn’t know that this was not a great day to ask me what I love about Mongolia. He probably didn’t know that I had to force myself to walk out of my sanctuary, my apartment, and self counsel myself all the way through the bus trip to his school. He probably didn’t know that last night I seriously doubted I could handle being in his classroom today. And, he probably still doesn’t know that our 40 minutes of class conversation cemented in my mind and heart that I’m going to make it, and that we are going to learn together.

So, he asked me, “Teacher, what do you love about Mongolia?”

I love the people, especially the kids…beautiful lives, I wish I knew all their stories.

I love the potential for growth here. The church is celebrating its 20^th anniversary this weekend…20 years ago Mongolia was a much different place, and still today Mongolians are deciding what it means to be Mongolian, and for some, what it means to be the church. A student today was telling me her reason for wanting to learn English, and she included the thought, “It seems that Mongolia is behind the other countries…we are late in learning English.” I wouldn’t say that Mongolia is late—but it is definitely at a far different place than where I come from.

I love that my students have big dreams—and that in some small way, I have the privilege of helping them accomplish these dreams. I would love to one day see that Shur Erdene has accomplished her future goal of being #1 world’s best doctor, for Dulguun to become the president, for Enkhtsetseg to be a good mom.

I love that I’m being stretched, and that I can see God at work here…in me, in the church of Mongolia, in the people, in the missionaries.

I love that when I felt like giving up, Jackson pulled me back to the truths that I had forgotten. I am privileged to be here, and do love Mongolia.

He picked the best day to ask, “Teacher, what do you love about Mongolia?”

I am a teacher; I am a student (Mongolia week one).

2011-09-01T19:27:00.000-07:00

(I am a teacher. I am a student.)

I have received many requests for a blog post...so here it is!I have been here in Ulaanbaatar for less than a week, and I think I'm still adjusting to the time difference, because I once again was up at 6 this morning. Ah well, this too shall pass. :)

This week has been one of the most humbling weeks of my life. Learning a new language and culture and city has required a lot of assistance, and a lot of patience...and a lot of admitting that I'm totally lost. It's all part of the adventure though, and I am honestly glad to be at square one here. The need for help is a good place to be when trying to form new relationships, I have found.

Yesterday was the first day of school for the school kids of Mongolia (yep, national first day of school...love it!) I was able to take part in the opening day ceremony of the school at which I will be teaching. The ceremony included speeches from the principal and senior class rep., performances by different students, and a presentation of gifts from the students to the teachers (the flower in the picture above was a gift to me from a student). That's right. I'm now a teacher...and I couldn't be more excited! The school is a small private k-12 school, run mostly by volunteers (from what I've gathered). I will be spending time with the students, reviewing what they have learned from their official English teacher and encouraging them to use their English skills in conversation (from what I've gathered...the details are still yet to be determined...and I'm ok with that!)

Yesterday I also began my "survival course" in the Mongolian language school located in the same building as the organization I am working with. My class will be eight 3hr sessions...it's a lot to cram into 3 hours. My teacher is very patient, however, and I am once again being taught humility...as I'm sure my handwriting looks like that of a 6 year old...and my "voiced lateral fricative" is awful.

Two main thoughts have kept me going as I've been working on my language homework. One--the little first grader who wanted to converse with me and told my friend to tell me to speak Mongolian, and two--Philippians 2...the ultimate example of humility and sacrificial incarnation. Somehow in a small way, I think learning a new language, and learning a new life style fit in with the calling to have the same mind as Christ.

There are many more stories that I could tell, but you'll just have to hear them when I return :)

"It ain't gonna be pretty/But you're not alone..."

2011-06-11T19:23:00.000-07:00

In all the goings on this week, this month, and this year, I keep coming back to the same paradox--the call to maintain a heart full of hope in a world full of pain and brokenness. In my head I know that life is not hopeless, that there is a greater purpose, that there will eventually be healing for the broken and rest for the weary. In my heart I feel that sometimes life is trudging through one trial after another, one unfortunate event after the next.

There is so much that I don't understand. So many problems that I can't fix. So many hurting people whom I can't heal. I am tired--tired of brokenness, tired of confusion, tired of trudging, tired of feeling guilty for being tired.

And then ...I was reminded today that I am not the only one who is broken. I am not alone in this struggle.

It may be unorthodox, but Over the Rhine helped me a bit today. Actually, I should say that I believe that ultimately, God is helping me process this paradox...but today's processing was aided by Over the Rhine. I could keep writing in an effort to explain what went through my mind as I listened to this song and realized what was actually being communicated through the song. I think I'm just going to post the song and let you listen to it. It is beautiful.
"All My Favorite People"--Over the Rhine

Still learning to hope,
Caitlin

The Long Surrender and the Road Less Traveled

2011-06-07T11:50:00.000-07:00

The Long Surrender--not only is it a beautiful album by Over the Rhine (please give it a listen, you won't regret it! Seriously, it's going to be on repeat in my room for the next 788 days...it's that good!) but it's also where I've been and where I'm going. The path of surrender has taken me down a rather circuitous route, and today as I am preparing to make what feels like a pretty crazy decision I am both confused and at peace. I hope to one day look back on this journey and be able to recognize the purpose of each detour--to see how each road block equipped me for the next--the next step, the next path, or sometimes the next road block.

Until I arrive at the point of understanding, I'll keep moving forward.

Today, it's the long surrender, the road less traveled, and possibly Mongolia for me.

From Scratch: True Confessions of an Overly-Invested Gardener

2011-06-03T15:16:00.001-07:00

There's a lot of seeds for posts germinating in my mind these days. Summer has the tendency to do that to me. So many possibilities, and so many different directions for my mind to wander...so many different thoughts and adventures I'm often unsure what to do with myself! It's a beautiful, beautiful problem to have.

Today I am half inspired herb gardener, half organization freak. Since I'm sure you don't want to read about my organizational woes, let me tell you about the herbs!

I am really into starting things from scratch. It's one of my favorite obsessions. If I can do it myself, I'm going to do it myself! For example, one year I started a sourdough starter from scratch and then had tons of fun finding sourdough recipes to use throughout the year. For those of you who don't know what it means to start a starter...well, let's just say it involved yeast and pineapple juice and flour and daily "feedings." That should give you an idea of how crazy I am about starting from square one. Seriously, if I could figure out a feasible way to make my own yarn, I would be the happiest person ever right now. (I know, I could start raising sheep...but that's a whole new level of starting from scratch, and I don't really want to go there.)

This year Zach and I celebrated two years of Zach and Caitlinishness. I knew exactly what I wanted to give him to commemorate this awesome feat--an herb garden! Now, growing things is a bit outside of my normal operating procedure. My roommates and I have an African violet, which my responsible roommate typically cares for, while I check it for dampness about every other week. So despite my lack of experience, I planted the tiny seeds in tiny pots and set them in the tiny greenhouse, hoping and praying that love would win and that herbs would grow. AND GROW THEY DID! I have never felt so excited about plants in my entire life.

Caring for these herbs has been a journey. I handed them over to Zach on our anniversary, and gave him pretty detailed instructions but still feared that they would die. They didn't die and are now back in my loving care while Zach is busy doing journalist things this summer. I am a little bit overly invested in these plants. If they don't make it through the summer, I am not sure what I am going to do with myself. My goal is to see these plants flourishing by the end of the summer. If I accomplish this, I will be one happy girl.

If I myself am flourishing by the end of the summer, I will be ecstatic.

So here's to summer, to possibilities, to starting from scratch, and to growing--one of the most exciting processes to watch and to endure!

Worshiping through Brokenness

2011-04-19T06:01:00.000-07:00

You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart
you, God, will not despise.
-Ps. 51:16-17

A New Word

2011-04-16T20:49:00.001-07:00

At the beginning of this year, I selected devotion as the word by which I wanted this year to be defined. While I still am excited about learning and discovering what a truly devoted life entails, the past few weeks have been defined by something else; I am learning the beauty of hope. Hope has been at times my anchor, and at other times my seemingly unattainable goal. I gave up on hope earlier this week, saying, “Every time I hope for the best, the worst happens anyway.” But hope has held on to me. I know that whatever comes in the days ahead, there will still be hope. And that, dear friends, is enough reason to stay on this journey of devotion.

^“ Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.” –Romans 5:1-5

2 Years

2011-03-10T20:59:00.001-08:00

I'm so amazed and thankful for what God has done in us over the past two years
For how we've grown
For who we're becoming
For how me makes me laugh when I'm crying
For the crazy oddities that make us...us
(Including dinner/documentary dates, and "teach Caitlin everything about the Cold War dates")
For my best friend
For the journey ahead...
And for many, many other things!
I. Love. Us.

Praying Prayers You've Already Answered

2011-03-06T19:44:00.000-08:00

The other night I had a rather emotional conversation with God, which ended with me saying, “God, unless you send someone who completely understands where I am right now, I am not going to be able to make it.”

I awoke the next morning to find these verses stuck to my mirror:

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” –Heb. 4:14-16

How quickly I forget what I already have in Christ…

How thankful I am that God listens, despite my forgetful heart.

I have loved you wrong

2011-02-24T15:31:00.000-08:00

I've been on a music kick lately. Well, more accuratley...I've been on a music kick for my entire life. My mom can tell you all about how easily affected by music I have been from a very young age. But recently it seems there have been a lot of songs that God has used to remind me of truths which I have forgotten, or that express exactly how I have been feeling.

This week I've been thinking about how I relate to God, and how I think he thinks of me. Sadly, I'm realizing just how distorted my understanding of God is. Well...sadly probably isn't the right word. It has been sad, but at the same time, recognizing these distortions has also been healing.
This week in chapel, I have had the opportunity to listen to the teachings of a beautiful woman who truly loves God, and has a wonderful understanding of his love for her. Watching her talk about her Father was truly beautiful. The contrast of her beautiful truths and my ugly distortions have been very challenging.

As I was getting ready for work this morning, I was thinking about God, and some amazing things which I just love about him, and it just felt so...right to be loving God. The song, I Have Loved You Wrong came to mind as I reflected on where I've come from and where I hope to be going with my relationship with God. While not originally intended to be a song from daughter to Father...this song somewhat captures the theme of my week.

I am so thankful for God's patience with me, for his unchanging love as I fail and doubt and forget so often.

Sun, Sun, Sun...Here it Comes!

2011-02-19T08:51:00.000-08:00

Today is a simply beautiful day!
I haven't yet ventured outside, as it is Saturday and I'm taking it slow...
But the sun is pouring in through my windows,
Filling my room with its glorious light so that I don't have to turn on the florescent lights (AMEN!).
I am so thankful for the sun!

Today's song is most definitely "I was Made for Sunny Days" by The Weepies
Give it a listen, and enjoy the sun! :)

Trusting in Love

2011-02-13T21:49:00.000-08:00

I've been learning a lot about love lately...love and trust. I think that's been a reoccurring theme in my life, so bear with me if some of these thoughts seem recycled.

At this point, when I think about the concept of love, two quotes automatically come to mind:

1) "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." -1 John 4:8

and

2)"Love, it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you/ It will set you free/Be more like the man you were made to be."- Mumford & Sons, Sigh No More

Somehow, I think these both capture where I am right now.
I'm learning to trust in the love of my Father...without fear.
I'm learning to accept the love extended to me...without fear.
I'm learning to give love...without fear.

Without fear, I am learning to live in the freedom of love.
Without fear, I am becoming who I am made to be.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Let. Love. Win.

We interrupt this previously scheduled funk...

2011-02-07T19:37:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've taken time to make a thankful list, and as I'm currently sitting and stewing and stressing, I think this list might be past due...

So world, I am thankful for
music which says what I can't
classmates who make hard classes enjoyable because of their cheerful company
(I have one of in every class...even the class where I was determined to remain detached and alone)
friends who know
lavender bath salts (seriously, best idea ever)
ab sculpting laughter work outs (aka laughing so hard that it hurts)
a job that I enjoy...even at 8am
and
hope when i have run out of my own.

And that's all I have to say about that. :)

Rescued.

2011-01-08T21:00:00.000-08:00

This year did not begin as I would have liked it to. Well actually, I should say…last year did not end the way that I thought it would.

I caved in to defeat…and I didn’t try very hard to fight it.

I was in a very dark place.

I’m back on my feet again, I have been restored. I am learning to trust, and to move forward with confidence. But I did not arrive in this peace on my own. I wish that I could say that I have found within myself the strength and grace to overcome the doubts and the fears which overtook me. I don’t think that strength naturally resides within me, however. Left to figure this out on my own, I would still be wandering and wallowing. I am so thankful for the patience of God, my family, and my friends who stood by me, who are standing by me still. In God, I have the peace, strength and grace that I need.

Normally at the beginning of a new year, I am so ready for a fresh start. I rejoice in the newness…and our God who makes all things new. This year, while I am thankful for these truths, I am more thankful for the constancy of God, my rock, who has not abandoned me in the darkness, but has rescued me. I’m still not sure if I’m ready for this year, but I’m holding on and moving forward with confidence because I know that He delights in me, and will not leave me in my defeat.

Happy New Year (eight days late).

Oh and Papa, if you're reading this...this is my rock that I should have put in the pile. :)

"He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the LORD was my support.

He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me."

-Psalm 18:16-19

Refining Reorientation (I do love alliteration!)

2010-12-05T16:51:00.000-08:00

I had the privilege of revisiting my old friend 1 Peter last week...it was such a refreshing time! (What a blessing it is to be in a class which focuses on the New Testament...those two hour-and-a- half periods are some of the best hours of my week!) One of the main points of 1 Peter is what the Christian perspective on suffering should be, and how trials prove the genuineness of our faith. Peter compares trials in our lives to the refining of metals...and here's where I had an Ah HA! moment. My professor talked about how in the refining process the bad is separated from the good, and the invaluable is removed. Trials strip away the things that are faulty, unhealthy, worthless and unimportant and they reorient our lives to what really matters. I know that this semester has been good even though it has been extremely hard because I can see how my wrong thinking and faulty beliefs are being stripped away. I have been forced to re-evaluate; I have had to prioritize. I am learning what is better; I am learning what is true.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. --1 Peter 1:3-9

Moving Forward with Confidence

2010-11-22T16:38:00.000-08:00

Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

Hebrews 10:19-23

Amen. That's all I have to say about that :)

Struggling to Trust

2010-11-06T22:14:00.000-07:00

"...I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief."
-Mark 9:24

Difficult Solidification

2010-10-17T17:46:00.000-07:00

This week has not gone at all as I had planned that it would. Not. At. All.
I find it so ironic that the week which started out with a freeing epiphany (I am not my grades!! My grades are not me!!) later found me in tears, weeping because I was scared about what not clinging to my 'A' student identity would mean. On Monday night I declared my freedom. Tuesday afternoon I was setting up an appointment because of an unexpected health issue. Something had to give, and that something was my homework. By Friday I was back in my familiar chains.
At this point I am feeling much better, and ready for a break.
In one of my classes last week, we talked about how in our relationship with God we aren't constantly growing, but rather has seasons of both growth and solidification. Right now I feel that I'm in a solidification stage, and it's restful, but also painful. I'm past the learning stage and in the application season. I know what needs to change, now it's time to actually take that knowledge and apply it...and it's hard. But it's good.

Now back to homework...:)

What is better...

2010-10-07T15:25:00.000-07:00

"'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.'"
-Luke 10:41-42

I'm learning to choose what is better.

Sometimes what is better doesn't make much sense.
Sometimes I feel irresponsible choosing what is better over what seems more pressing.
Sometimes I worry that choosing what is better is going to affect my grades negatively. (Which after this college experience is over really isn't going to matter...but sometimes it feels like it matters a LOT!)
Sometimes choosing what is better means choosing to rest.
Sometimes choosing what is better means setting aside my agenda, my schedule and my stress.

Oh, I have so much to learn.

Microwaveable Manna!

2010-08-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

So, I've been a little bit...hmm...well, I've just not been myself lately. Had some pre-back-to-school meltdowns, and some battles with doubt. But, I feel as if I'm starting to come out of this rut. As Robert Frost (and Dr. Edgington, I should add...) once said, "The best way out is always through." Now is not the time to give in to fear and give up. Now is the time to move forward, with confidence in the one directing my path. I think it's pretty awesome that God used a phrase which I heard last semester to comfort me months later as I contemplate the upcoming year. So, though I'm still a bit frightened by the section of path that I have ahead of me, I think I'm ready to...KEEP MOVING FORWARD. (I am a huge Meet the Robinsons fan.)

Besides all this, I just discovered that I can make THESE in the microwave. Mmm, this semester is gonna be AWESOME!

What's Your Word?

2010-07-30T08:53:00.000-07:00

I'm currently listening to an Audiobook in which a woman goes on a journey of self-discovery. Though our journeys are quite different, I've connected with some of the things Liz has learned so far and have gleaned much food for thought.
In the chapters I listened to today, Liz had a conversation which caused her to ponder what one word best captured her life. As she mused and rambled, I got caught up in my own self-examination (and may have missed some of the book...). What word best summarizes and explains me at this current point in my life? After much deliberation (well, actually, it did not take me as long to select this word as I thought it would...) I have decided to choose the word, "learn."

To learn, according to our friend Merriam Webster, is to: gain knowledge or understanding of or skill in by study, instruction, or experience.
To memorize.
To come to be able.
To come to realize.
To come to know.

I love how this definition uses the phrase "to come to..." Learning is a process. Learning is a journey.

I could at this point begin explaining why this word best defines this season of my life, but I think I'll let the word and it's definition speak for itself.

Learn. That's my word. What's your word?

"For crying and laughing, weeping and dancing."

2010-07-27T19:18:00.000-07:00

Tonight finds me defeated and sniffling, with a growing mountain (and by mountain I mean pile of two...) of tissues to my left and and warm cup of tea to my right. I sip my tea and wonder how one day could hold so much emotion. I'm dejected, defeated, sniffling, full of doubts, but mere hours earlier I was dancing, laughing, playing games and eating cookies with my library kiddos (whom I LOVE)--I was on top of the world, and completely in my element. I'm glad there are times for both weeping and dancing, crying and laughing.

Tonight, I find solace in Solomon's words, in God's timing, in Sleepytime tea, M&M cookies, tissue mountains, and in library dance parties.

The Beatles Believed in Yesterday, Annie Held out for Tomorrow, but I Love Today!

2010-07-22T17:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was just one of those days. Do you ever have those days...the days where you know it's one of those, but you don't really know why? And then suddenly, you're crying about burnt pancakes, and of course because you burnt pancakes the only logical conclusion is that you can't do anything right. Ever. Yeah. One of THOSE days. But anyway, that's enough about yesterday! I'm really writing about today.

I love the newness of a new day, and the "fresh with no mistakes" factor (also known as the Lamentations 3:22-23 factor). Even though sometimes the worries of yesterday carry over into the next day, and the next day, and the next, there is still something to be said for sleeping, and then waking up to a new day. Some days, the new day is another tearful day; some days are peaceful days. However, no matter what they bring, they are always new. That's what I love about today(s).

It's so easy to get stuck in yesterday, to fret about tomorrow. Both are important, but are nothing without todays (which is not a word, according to this dictionary, but today I am declaring it to be a word). This is what I'm learning. (Hmm, Brittany Norris, this sounds a lot like learning to cherish the moments...)

The Saddest Shelves

2010-07-10T19:36:00.000-07:00

There are only two shelves in the children's department which hold books labeled FIC 362. It's amazing how much sadness and brokenness exist on these two shelves. Here we find books and stories which attempt to aid children process incredibly difficult realities. These two shelves attempt to offer assistance to the grieving, the ill, the abused, the disabled, the children of alcoholics, and children who have ill or disabled relatives. Some titles bring smiles (Shelly, The Hyperactive Turtle), while others bring me close to tears (Don't Hurt Me, Mama).

My time spent with the books of FIC 362 brought a familiar heaviness back into my heart. We have books like this for children because children are living in heartbreaking realities. As I left the library, I couldn't shake the sadness (the joys of being a feeler). Walking home in silence, I had a bit of an epiphany (or perhaps a re-epiphany).

I've been told that when forming a vision, it is vital to examine what causes your heart to break, what brings you to weep (Thank you, Dr. Peugh!). The heaviness in my heart and the tears that formed were not merely the curse of empathy, but also the re-ignition of a passion which God has planted and fostered in my heart. The brokenness and pain sometimes feels overwhelming. I don't know what I can do, or what I am to do. But I hope that one day I will be able to offer much more than a book to a hurting child. And that, my dear friends, is what the saddest shelves taught me.

learning to need

2010-07-07T20:03:00.000-07:00

Father,
I need you.
I need your word.
I need your love.
I need your people.

Forgive me for thinking I am above these needs.

Amen.

completely done

2010-06-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

This Sunday I have the awesome privilege of playing with my brother while my father and Kem, the worship leader at our church, sing this song. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be in ministry with my family! What a blessing it has been to be back in music. Though I make many mistakes, I truly enjoy making music. I love getting lost in the melody...though, I'm pretty sure Kem and company would enjoy it if I didn't get quite so lost sometimes. ;)
Anyway, take a listen. This song is such an encouragement....I'm excited about sharing the truth in song tomorrow! I have much farther to go, but I'm thankful that I stand forgiven and new because of Christ.

Click here to listen to the song :)

a time to ramble

2010-06-23T15:22:00.001-07:00

Poor forsaken blog. Again. Writing comes in spurts these days, mostly dependent on my periods of introspection. However, this week there seems to have been a resurgence of blogs and I have been inspired to try to write something.

If someone were to ask me what I've been learning lately, I would have a difficult time pinning down exactly what has been brewing in my mind and heart. At times I have felt unsettled, transitory, restless and other times settled, relaxed, and at peace. For me, Summer is an in-between time amidst the giant in-between time of college. Life seems like a state of constant transition, my definition of normal changes every few months.

I was reading 1st John today (one of my favorites, if I'm allowed to have favorites), and was reminded of truths that never change.

"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts and he knows everything."-1 John 3:18-20

Mmmm. That's wonderful truth. My heart is most at rest when I'm trusting Him, and loving others. To this truth I am going to cling in the midst of my in-between times.

P.S. Em, I changed the background to a field of dandelions just for you...dandelion fields forever!! But, sadly...even though I selected the dandelion field...you can't see the dandelions very clearly. Sad day.

A Terrible Prayer- Michael Yaconelli

2010-06-04T06:24:00.000-07:00

I have always been terrible at praying.
I forget.
My mind wanders.
I fall asleep.
I don't pray enough.
I don't understand what prayer is
Or what prayer does.

If prayer were school...
I would flunk praying.

But prayer isn't school.
It is mystery.

Maybe the mystery is...
Jesus loves terrible prayers.
Maybe...
When I can't think of anything to say, He says what I can't say.
When I talk too much, He cherishes my too-many words.
When I fall asleep, He holds me in his lap and caresses my weary soul.
When I am overwhelmed with guilt at my inconsistent, inadequate praying
He whispers, "Your name is always on my lips."

I am filled with grattitude, my sould overflows with thankfulness and I...
I...find myself saying over and over again, "Thank You."
Praying the mystery.

I stumbled upon this last night in a book that has been on my shelf for a while. He's put to words what I have thought for a while...so I thought I would share :)

"caitlin, you're not God. you're not going to be perfect."

2010-06-01T08:26:00.001-07:00

Duh. (Sorry Mom, it's the only appropriate word.)
Yeah, OF COURSE I know I'm not God.
The funny thing about those lies we believe is how ridiculous they sound when recited back to us. How silly it sounds that I, Caitlin Park, believe and expect that I am capable of perfection. Perfection of which only our holy and righteous God is capable.
I started reading this book, Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free, thinking that it would be a good summer read. Funny, actually the book wasn't what pointed out my faulty thinking. Oh, irony, how I love thee. Here I am, reading a book about lies, all the while believing one myself. Thankfully, God uses all sorts of methods for getting our attention. So I ended up having an ah ha moment last night when someone pointed out that um of course sometimes I'm going to be annoying, and do things that don't make sense. Caitlin, you're not God. You're not going to be perfect.
I don't know why I always come back to this. I don't know why perfectionism seems to be my struggle. But I'm thankful for these moments of clarity, in which I can look at myself and say, "Caitlin. You're not God. You're not going to be perfect."

Unpacking

2010-05-22T19:56:00.000-07:00

Unpacking
Dusting off old memories
Making room for new treasures
Dealing with the mess
Embracing the past
Realization of life's blessings.

Drowning in Victory

2010-04-05T10:39:00.000-07:00

"O victory in Jesus,
My Saviour, forever,
He sought me and bought me
With his redeeming blood.
He loved me ere I knew him,
And all my love is due him.
He plunged me to victory,
Beneath the cleansing flood."
--Victory in Jesus, E.M. Bartlett

I'm sure I've heard and sung these words hundreds of times, but as I was playing hymns this morning, this chorus stuck out to me. I've been feeling discouraged latley, as I seem to be fighting the same battles over and over. What relief there is in remembering that in Jesus, victory is mine! I love the way this hymn writer puts it..."He plunged me to victory, beneath the cleansing flood." Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I am free to drown in victory! Yes!

Manna from the calendar!

2010-04-03T10:46:00.000-07:00

"It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them."

--Agatha Christie

(found on the April 3rd page of Mom's "365 Ways to Wake Up Laughing" Calendar)

perseverant growth::

2010-03-27T10:09:00.000-07:00

"I want to know Christ and the power of his ressurection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 3:10-14

we interrupt this ridiculous busyness to bring you...

2010-03-23T16:50:00.000-07:00

So... I'm working on writing a paper right now (well, technically at this moment I am not working on it, but you know what I mean). Gotta love Lit papers. Mmm. If you're interested in reading a very compelling and truly allegorical poem, perhaps try "pity this busy monster, manunkind" by one of my favorite poets, e.e.cummings.

However, what I really wanted you to check out is this song...if it doesn't make you smile, then you are a busy monster-- a product of manunkind.

coffee, strong coffee

2010-03-09T10:24:00.000-08:00

i burn coffee sometimes.
truth.
this truth, however is unrelated to the rest of the post. so...moving on.
i love t.s. eliot. we've been reading his works for lit class and there's something about his strong language that resonates with me. my love for eliot surprises me at times, because his work is full of deep despair--dark musings that often have little hope-light. if i were a poet, i could not write like eliot. but reading eliot is like drinking strong coffee. and i think that's why i like him. his bitter realism mixed with my optimism blends to make a perfect cup of coffee.
personalities really are fascinating. differences between people blend and create beautiful concoctions, wonderful partnerings of weaknesses and strengths.
dear friends, i have reached the end of my musings.
love, caitlin

perfect day off

2010-03-02T11:09:00.003-08:00

Someone asked me what my perfect day off would be. I was amused at the plans that formulated almost immediately when she asked me. So...I'm sharing them with you. :)

My Perfect Day Off
You want to know how my perfect day off would go? Well, a lot of people have said they would go to the beach, or travel to the mountains. Me? I would go home. Home with my family and Zach. We'd sleep in 'til at least 10, and Mom would make pancakes for breakfast. We'd stay in our Pj's all day and never think once about homework or cleaning or anything stressful. There would be no agenda, just chill time and lots and lots of coffee. Maybe we'd take naps too. I guess eventually we would need to eat dinner, so I could help with that...I love being in the kitchen. Hmm, I don't know what we would make, but it would be something wonderful. And there would be more coffee, and Ice cream sounds like a good plan too. Then we'd watch a movie or something, and afterwards stay up late talking and laughing and just enjoying being together. And then when our eyelids became too heavy, and we ran out of words...the day would be over. And it would have been the perfect day off. The End :)

P.S. This song has become a daily routine for me...I truly believe it is a bit of manna :)

confusing bits

2010-02-27T07:16:00.000-08:00

i'm struggling through
wading through
this identity stuff
this role confusion

to be a woman is a beautiful calling

i really do believe
so i'll keep wrestling with this

please give me grace and clarity.

my psalm 136::His love endures forever

2010-02-25T11:22:00.000-08:00

Last night in growth groups, we re-wrote Psalm 136 to capture our God stories...there's so much more I could have written, but this reflects what has been on my heart. If you haven't read Psalm 136, or you haven't read it in a while...you should read it, and maybe write your own :)

My Psalm 136::
Give thanks to the Lord, for He's a good Father
His love endures forever

Give thanks to our perfect provider
His love endures forever

Give thanks to our source of strength
His love endures forever

To him who calls us to himself
His love endures forever

Who created us to worship him
His love endures forever

Who gives us dreams and purpose
His love endures forever

Who shows his love in snowy nights
His love endures forever

And the hope of spring's return
His love endures forever

From beginning to end
His love endures forever

To him who stayed with me in my darkest hours
His love endures forever

And showed me hope in times of pain
His love endures forever

Who loved me when I clung to anger
His love endures forever

Who taught me the meaning of home
His love endures forever

To him who united my family
His love endures forever

And sent us on adventures together
His love endures forever

But never sent us out alone
His love endures forever

To him who taught me how to love
His love endures forever

Who provided grace and forgiveness when I had none
His love endures forever

And was my rock when I was weakened
His love endures forever

Though pain and insecurities come
His love endures forever

Though confusion rains and sits like fog
His love endures forever

He has given light in darkness
His love endures forever

And hope on the path of struggle
His love endures forever

To the one who loves me despite my flaws
His love endures forever

And frees me from anxiety
His love endures forever

And gives exactly what I need
His love endures forever

Give thanks to the Father, Abba
His love endures forever

and God sent manna to the OCC

2010-02-19T06:32:00.000-08:00

see that girl
three rows back from the front
that one
the girl with the ridiculous spiderman
folder
that one
the girl whose hair is still wet
the girl who barely made it here on time today--
and she's Mine
(and how she makes Me smile)
she's My daughter
and I love her.
I only wish she knew
how happy I am to see her today
running to me
waiting for me
laughing, loving, smiling--
she has My heart.

confessions of a busy soul

2010-02-15T06:34:00.000-08:00

Busy, busy, busy.
I've begun to believe
that all of this busyness can
give me what I need.
But busyness for you
is nothing like being with
You.

A Note to the World on Valentine's Day

2010-02-14T05:49:00.000-08:00

Dear World,
Well...I've never been super crazy about Valentine's Day. But it's growing on me. There's something to be said for the sweet gestures we make to remind others that we love them. As I'm looking at my desk that is practically covered in chocolates from my girls, notes from friends (ah sweet roomates!), and my vase full of flowers from Zach...I suppose I can be okay with this Valentine's Day thing. :)
(By the way, did you know that there are now blue-raspberry conversation hearts? Um whoa! Talk about progress!)
Yeah, I really don't have much to say today. I was just struck by the sweetness of yesterday and today and needed to tell you all that I'm feeling very loved today...and who wouldn't be? I'm thankful today for the people in my life who love me and remind me that I am loved...even when it's not Valentine's Day.
Love, Caitlin.

P.S. Best Valentine's Day date ever: PB& J, Ice Cream Salad, Zach and Caitlin and...
this.

a little t.s. eliot

2010-02-10T06:38:00.001-08:00

"There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of toast and tea."

-The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

revelation

2010-02-03T12:50:00.000-08:00

"Prayer is tangible evidence that we believe it's God who does the work.
How often we fail to realize how much our prayer life reveals our actual theology."
-Dr. Harmon

Wanted: Mother Abbess

2010-02-01T17:41:00.000-08:00

I've realized recently that whenever life starts getting a little to real, a little too scary and a little too grownupish, my initial reaction is to run away. Like Maria in The Sound of Music, I feel to my abbey in hopes that somehow life will settle while I'm gone. I'm realizing that life isn't designed to work this way. It didn't work for Maria and it doesn't work for me. Perhaps I need my own personal Mother Abbess to remind me that I need to "climb every mountain" instead of running away in fear. After all, I don't really belong in the abbey.

perspective

2010-01-28T11:12:00.000-08:00

"There's only one thing that is the end of the world...
and that is the end of the world."
-Dr. Edgington

first thoughts (i wonder if manna tastes good with coffee)

2010-01-27T06:23:00.000-08:00

I've gone back and forth about starting this blog. I've had the same Xanga for 4 years, and I used to post religiously...but now not so much. Maybe it's time for something new. I'm almost 20 and obviously have WAY more profound things to say than I did when I was 16, right? Haha.
I'm not really sure what I am attempting to accomplish with this blog...except to capture and share fragments of the profound, snapshots of the whimsical, slivers of the beauty I encounter...the bits of manna that fall around me every day. Mmhmm.