Refining Reorientation (I do love alliteration!)

I had the privilege of revisiting my old friend 1 Peter last week...it was such a refreshing time! (What a blessing it is to be in a class which focuses on the New Testament...those two hour-and-a- half periods are some of the best hours of my week!) One of the main points of 1 Peter is what the Christian perspective on suffering should be, and how trials prove the genuineness of our faith. Peter compares trials in our lives to the refining of metals...and here's where I had an Ah HA! moment. My professor talked about how in the refining process the bad is separated from the good, and the invaluable is removed. Trials strip away the things that are faulty, unhealthy, worthless and unimportant and they reorient our lives to what really matters. I know that this semester has been good even though it has been extremely hard because I can see how my wrong thinking and faulty beliefs are being stripped away. I have been forced to re-evaluate; I have had to prioritize. I am learning what is better; I am learning what is true.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God’s power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith, the salvation of your souls. --1 Peter 1:3-9

Moving Forward with Confidence

Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

Hebrews 10:19-23

Amen. That's all I have to say about that :)

Struggling to Trust

"...I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief."
-Mark 9:24

Difficult Solidification

This week has not gone at all as I had planned that it would. Not. At. All.
I find it so ironic that the week which started out with a freeing epiphany (I am not my grades!! My grades are not me!!) later found me in tears, weeping because I was scared about what not clinging to my 'A' student identity would mean. On Monday night I declared my freedom. Tuesday afternoon I was setting up an appointment because of an unexpected health issue. Something had to give, and that something was my homework. By Friday I was back in my familiar chains.
At this point I am feeling much better, and ready for a break.
In one of my classes last week, we talked about how in our relationship with God we aren't constantly growing, but rather has seasons of both growth and solidification. Right now I feel that I'm in a solidification stage, and it's restful, but also painful. I'm past the learning stage and in the application season. I know what needs to change, now it's time to actually take that knowledge and apply it...and it's hard. But it's good.

Now back to homework...:)

What is better...

"'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.'"
-Luke 10:41-42

I'm learning to choose what is better.

Sometimes what is better doesn't make much sense.
Sometimes I feel irresponsible choosing what is better over what seems more pressing.
Sometimes I worry that choosing what is better is going to affect my grades negatively. (Which after this college experience is over really isn't going to matter...but sometimes it feels like it matters a LOT!)
Sometimes choosing what is better means choosing to rest.
Sometimes choosing what is better means setting aside my agenda, my schedule and my stress.

Oh, I have so much to learn.

Microwaveable Manna!

So, I've been a little bit...hmm...well, I've just not been myself lately. Had some pre-back-to-school meltdowns, and some battles with doubt. But, I feel as if I'm starting to come out of this rut. As Robert Frost (and Dr. Edgington, I should add...) once said, "The best way out is always through." Now is not the time to give in to fear and give up. Now is the time to move forward, with confidence in the one directing my path. I think it's pretty awesome that God used a phrase which I heard last semester to comfort me months later as I contemplate the upcoming year. So, though I'm still a bit frightened by the section of path that I have ahead of me, I think I'm ready to...KEEP MOVING FORWARD. (I am a huge Meet the Robinsons fan.)

Besides all this, I just discovered that I can make THESE in the microwave. Mmm, this semester is gonna be AWESOME!

What's Your Word?

I'm currently listening to an Audiobook in which a woman goes on a journey of self-discovery. Though our journeys are quite different, I've connected with some of the things Liz has learned so far and have gleaned much food for thought.
In the chapters I listened to today, Liz had a conversation which caused her to ponder what one word best captured her life. As she mused and rambled, I got caught up in my own self-examination (and may have missed some of the book...). What word best summarizes and explains me at this current point in my life? After much deliberation (well, actually, it did not take me as long to select this word as I thought it would...) I have decided to choose the word, "learn."

To learn, according to our friend Merriam Webster, is to: gain knowledge or understanding of or skill in by study, instruction, or experience.
To memorize.
To come to be able.
To come to realize.
To come to know.

I love how this definition uses the phrase "to come to..." Learning is a process. Learning is a journey.

I could at this point begin explaining why this word best defines this season of my life, but I think I'll let the word and it's definition speak for itself.

Learn. That's my word. What's your word?

"For crying and laughing, weeping and dancing."

Tonight finds me defeated and sniffling, with a growing mountain (and by mountain I mean pile of two...) of tissues to my left and and warm cup of tea to my right. I sip my tea and wonder how one day could hold so much emotion. I'm dejected, defeated, sniffling, full of doubts, but mere hours earlier I was dancing, laughing, playing games and eating cookies with my library kiddos (whom I LOVE)--I was on top of the world, and completely in my element. I'm glad there are times for both weeping and dancing, crying and laughing.

Tonight, I find solace in Solomon's words, in God's timing, in Sleepytime tea, M&M cookies, tissue mountains, and in library dance parties.

The Beatles Believed in Yesterday, Annie Held out for Tomorrow, but I Love Today!

Yesterday was just one of those days. Do you ever have those days...the days where you know it's one of those, but you don't really know why? And then suddenly, you're crying about burnt pancakes, and of course because you burnt pancakes the only logical conclusion is that you can't do anything right. Ever. Yeah. One of THOSE days. But anyway, that's enough about yesterday! I'm really writing about today.

I love the newness of a new day, and the "fresh with no mistakes" factor (also known as the Lamentations 3:22-23 factor). Even though sometimes the worries of yesterday carry over into the next day, and the next day, and the next, there is still something to be said for sleeping, and then waking up to a new day. Some days, the new day is another tearful day; some days are peaceful days. However, no matter what they bring, they are always new. That's what I love about today(s).

It's so easy to get stuck in yesterday, to fret about tomorrow. Both are important, but are nothing without todays (which is not a word, according to this dictionary, but today I am declaring it to be a word). This is what I'm learning. (Hmm, Brittany Norris, this sounds a lot like learning to cherish the moments...)

The Saddest Shelves

There are only two shelves in the children's department which hold books labeled FIC 362. It's amazing how much sadness and brokenness exist on these two shelves. Here we find books and stories which attempt to aid children process incredibly difficult realities. These two shelves attempt to offer assistance to the grieving, the ill, the abused, the disabled, the children of alcoholics, and children who have ill or disabled relatives. Some titles bring smiles (Shelly, The Hyperactive Turtle), while others bring me close to tears (Don't Hurt Me, Mama).

My time spent with the books of FIC 362 brought a familiar heaviness back into my heart. We have books like this for children because children are living in heartbreaking realities. As I left the library, I couldn't shake the sadness (the joys of being a feeler). Walking home in silence, I had a bit of an epiphany (or perhaps a re-epiphany).

I've been told that when forming a vision, it is vital to examine what causes your heart to break, what brings you to weep (Thank you, Dr. Peugh!). The heaviness in my heart and the tears that formed were not merely the curse of empathy, but also the re-ignition of a passion which God has planted and fostered in my heart. The brokenness and pain sometimes feels overwhelming. I don't know what I can do, or what I am to do. But I hope that one day I will be able to offer much more than a book to a hurting child. And that, my dear friends, is what the saddest shelves taught me.

learning to need

Father,
I need you.
I need your word.
I need your love.
I need your people.

Forgive me for thinking I am above these needs.

Amen.

completely done

This Sunday I have the awesome privilege of playing with my brother while my father and Kem, the worship leader at our church, sing this song. I am so thankful for the opportunity to be in ministry with my family! What a blessing it has been to be back in music. Though I make many mistakes, I truly enjoy making music. I love getting lost in the melody...though, I'm pretty sure Kem and company would enjoy it if I didn't get quite so lost sometimes. ;)
Anyway, take a listen. This song is such an encouragement....I'm excited about sharing the truth in song tomorrow! I have much farther to go, but I'm thankful that I stand forgiven and new because of Christ.

Click here to listen to the song :)

a time to ramble

Poor forsaken blog. Again. Writing comes in spurts these days, mostly dependent on my periods of introspection. However, this week there seems to have been a resurgence of blogs and I have been inspired to try to write something.

If someone were to ask me what I've been learning lately, I would have a difficult time pinning down exactly what has been brewing in my mind and heart. At times I have felt unsettled, transitory, restless and other times settled, relaxed, and at peace. For me, Summer is an in-between time amidst the giant in-between time of college. Life seems like a state of constant transition, my definition of normal changes every few months.

I was reading 1st John today (one of my favorites, if I'm allowed to have favorites), and was reminded of truths that never change.

"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts and he knows everything."-1 John 3:18-20

Mmmm. That's wonderful truth. My heart is most at rest when I'm trusting Him, and loving others. To this truth I am going to cling in the midst of my in-between times.

P.S. Em, I changed the background to a field of dandelions just for you...dandelion fields forever!! But, sadly...even though I selected the dandelion field...you can't see the dandelions very clearly. Sad day.

A Terrible Prayer- Michael Yaconelli

I have always been terrible at praying.
I forget.
My mind wanders.
I fall asleep.
I don't pray enough.
I don't understand what prayer is
Or what prayer does.

If prayer were school...
I would flunk praying.

But prayer isn't school.
It is mystery.

Maybe the mystery is...
Jesus loves terrible prayers.
Maybe...
When I can't think of anything to say, He says what I can't say.
When I talk too much, He cherishes my too-many words.
When I fall asleep, He holds me in his lap and caresses my weary soul.
When I am overwhelmed with guilt at my inconsistent, inadequate praying
He whispers, "Your name is always on my lips."

I am filled with grattitude, my sould overflows with thankfulness and I...
I...find myself saying over and over again, "Thank You."
Praying the mystery.

I stumbled upon this last night in a book that has been on my shelf for a while. He's put to words what I have thought for a while...so I thought I would share :)

"caitlin, you're not God. you're not going to be perfect."

Duh. (Sorry Mom, it's the only appropriate word.)
Yeah, OF COURSE I know I'm not God.
The funny thing about those lies we believe is how ridiculous they sound when recited back to us. How silly it sounds that I, Caitlin Park, believe and expect that I am capable of perfection. Perfection of which only our holy and righteous God is capable.
I started reading this book, Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free, thinking that it would be a good summer read. Funny, actually the book wasn't what pointed out my faulty thinking. Oh, irony, how I love thee. Here I am, reading a book about lies, all the while believing one myself. Thankfully, God uses all sorts of methods for getting our attention. So I ended up having an ah ha moment last night when someone pointed out that um of course sometimes I'm going to be annoying, and do things that don't make sense. Caitlin, you're not God. You're not going to be perfect.
I don't know why I always come back to this. I don't know why perfectionism seems to be my struggle. But I'm thankful for these moments of clarity, in which I can look at myself and say, "Caitlin. You're not God. You're not going to be perfect."

Unpacking

Unpacking
Dusting off old memories
Making room for new treasures
Dealing with the mess
Embracing the past
Realization of life's blessings.

Drowning in Victory

"O victory in Jesus,
My Saviour, forever,
He sought me and bought me
With his redeeming blood.
He loved me ere I knew him,
And all my love is due him.
He plunged me to victory,
Beneath the cleansing flood."
--Victory in Jesus, E.M. Bartlett

I'm sure I've heard and sung these words hundreds of times, but as I was playing hymns this morning, this chorus stuck out to me. I've been feeling discouraged latley, as I seem to be fighting the same battles over and over. What relief there is in remembering that in Jesus, victory is mine! I love the way this hymn writer puts it..."He plunged me to victory, beneath the cleansing flood." Instead of wallowing in self-pity, I am free to drown in victory! Yes!

Manna from the calendar!

"It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them."

--Agatha Christie

(found on the April 3rd page of Mom's "365 Ways to Wake Up Laughing" Calendar)

perseverant growth::

"I want to know Christ and the power of his ressurection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 3:10-14

we interrupt this ridiculous busyness to bring you...

So... I'm working on writing a paper right now (well, technically at this moment I am not working on it, but you know what I mean). Gotta love Lit papers. Mmm. If you're interested in reading a very compelling and truly allegorical poem, perhaps try "pity this busy monster, manunkind" by one of my favorite poets, e.e.cummings.

However, what I really wanted you to check out is this song...if it doesn't make you smile, then you are a busy monster-- a product of manunkind.

coffee, strong coffee

i burn coffee sometimes.
truth.
this truth, however is unrelated to the rest of the post. so...moving on.
i love t.s. eliot. we've been reading his works for lit class and there's something about his strong language that resonates with me. my love for eliot surprises me at times, because his work is full of deep despair--dark musings that often have little hope-light. if i were a poet, i could not write like eliot. but reading eliot is like drinking strong coffee. and i think that's why i like him. his bitter realism mixed with my optimism blends to make a perfect cup of coffee.
personalities really are fascinating. differences between people blend and create beautiful concoctions, wonderful partnerings of weaknesses and strengths.
dear friends, i have reached the end of my musings.
love, caitlin

perfect day off

Someone asked me what my perfect day off would be. I was amused at the plans that formulated almost immediately when she asked me. So...I'm sharing them with you. :)

My Perfect Day Off
You want to know how my perfect day off would go? Well, a lot of people have said they would go to the beach, or travel to the mountains. Me? I would go home. Home with my family and Zach. We'd sleep in 'til at least 10, and Mom would make pancakes for breakfast. We'd stay in our Pj's all day and never think once about homework or cleaning or anything stressful. There would be no agenda, just chill time and lots and lots of coffee. Maybe we'd take naps too. I guess eventually we would need to eat dinner, so I could help with that...I love being in the kitchen. Hmm, I don't know what we would make, but it would be something wonderful. And there would be more coffee, and Ice cream sounds like a good plan too. Then we'd watch a movie or something, and afterwards stay up late talking and laughing and just enjoying being together. And then when our eyelids became too heavy, and we ran out of words...the day would be over. And it would have been the perfect day off. The End :)

P.S. This song has become a daily routine for me...I truly believe it is a bit of manna :)

confusing bits

i'm struggling through
wading through
this identity stuff
this role confusion

to be a woman is a beautiful calling

i really do believe
so i'll keep wrestling with this

please give me grace and clarity.

my psalm 136::His love endures forever

Last night in growth groups, we re-wrote Psalm 136 to capture our God stories...there's so much more I could have written, but this reflects what has been on my heart. If you haven't read Psalm 136, or you haven't read it in a while...you should read it, and maybe write your own :)

My Psalm 136::
Give thanks to the Lord, for He's a good Father
His love endures forever

Give thanks to our perfect provider
His love endures forever

Give thanks to our source of strength
His love endures forever

To him who calls us to himself
His love endures forever

Who created us to worship him
His love endures forever

Who gives us dreams and purpose
His love endures forever

Who shows his love in snowy nights
His love endures forever

And the hope of spring's return
His love endures forever

From beginning to end
His love endures forever

To him who stayed with me in my darkest hours
His love endures forever

And showed me hope in times of pain
His love endures forever

Who loved me when I clung to anger
His love endures forever

Who taught me the meaning of home
His love endures forever

To him who united my family
His love endures forever

And sent us on adventures together
His love endures forever

But never sent us out alone
His love endures forever

To him who taught me how to love
His love endures forever

Who provided grace and forgiveness when I had none
His love endures forever

And was my rock when I was weakened
His love endures forever

Though pain and insecurities come
His love endures forever

Though confusion rains and sits like fog
His love endures forever

He has given light in darkness
His love endures forever

And hope on the path of struggle
His love endures forever

To the one who loves me despite my flaws
His love endures forever

And frees me from anxiety
His love endures forever

And gives exactly what I need
His love endures forever

Give thanks to the Father, Abba
His love endures forever

and God sent manna to the OCC

see that girl
three rows back from the front
that one
the girl with the ridiculous spiderman
folder
that one
the girl whose hair is still wet
the girl who barely made it here on time today--
and she's Mine
(and how she makes Me smile)
she's My daughter
and I love her.
I only wish she knew
how happy I am to see her today
running to me
waiting for me
laughing, loving, smiling--
she has My heart.

confessions of a busy soul

Busy, busy, busy.
I've begun to believe
that all of this busyness can
give me what I need.
But busyness for you
is nothing like being with
You.

A Note to the World on Valentine's Day

Dear World,
Well...I've never been super crazy about Valentine's Day. But it's growing on me. There's something to be said for the sweet gestures we make to remind others that we love them. As I'm looking at my desk that is practically covered in chocolates from my girls, notes from friends (ah sweet roomates!), and my vase full of flowers from Zach...I suppose I can be okay with this Valentine's Day thing. :)
(By the way, did you know that there are now blue-raspberry conversation hearts? Um whoa! Talk about progress!)
Yeah, I really don't have much to say today. I was just struck by the sweetness of yesterday and today and needed to tell you all that I'm feeling very loved today...and who wouldn't be? I'm thankful today for the people in my life who love me and remind me that I am loved...even when it's not Valentine's Day.
Love, Caitlin.

P.S. Best Valentine's Day date ever: PB& J, Ice Cream Salad, Zach and Caitlin and...
this.

a little t.s. eliot

"There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of toast and tea."

-The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock

revelation

"Prayer is tangible evidence that we believe it's God who does the work.
How often we fail to realize how much our prayer life reveals our actual theology."
-Dr. Harmon

Wanted: Mother Abbess

I've realized recently that whenever life starts getting a little to real, a little too scary and a little too grownupish, my initial reaction is to run away. Like Maria in The Sound of Music, I feel to my abbey in hopes that somehow life will settle while I'm gone. I'm realizing that life isn't designed to work this way. It didn't work for Maria and it doesn't work for me. Perhaps I need my own personal Mother Abbess to remind me that I need to "climb every mountain" instead of running away in fear. After all, I don't really belong in the abbey.

perspective

"There's only one thing that is the end of the world...
and that is the end of the world."
-Dr. Edgington

first thoughts (i wonder if manna tastes good with coffee)

I've gone back and forth about starting this blog. I've had the same Xanga for 4 years, and I used to post religiously...but now not so much. Maybe it's time for something new. I'm almost 20 and obviously have WAY more profound things to say than I did when I was 16, right? Haha.
I'm not really sure what I am attempting to accomplish with this blog...except to capture and share fragments of the profound, snapshots of the whimsical, slivers of the beauty I encounter...the bits of manna that fall around me every day. Mmhmm.